Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You Don't Understand!

My little cousin, baby was born today, she's fifteen, this pregnancy was due in part by bad child rendering on her mother's part, as children are sponges and they imitate bad behavior, and part of her wanting to obtain "love" from a little person.... There was ALOT of things she viewed as a young teen, that she shouldn't have been able to, once again, children imitate bad behavior especially when it's plenty to go around.

When the pregnancy was discovered, her parents wanted abortion, the boy's parents said it wasn't his and he has all but disappeared from the face of the earth, I advocated adoption (and still do), and then we found out that she was 19 weeks pregnant, and the parents kinda.. MADE her keep the baby...and shipped her down to a more responsible adult, "more responsible" in their opinion. We were runners up an recieving the teen, but due to the following facts:

1. we lived in the same state as them and the secret would be found out
2. We are church goers, and getting up early on the weekend isn't their cup of tea
we were passed over.... Oh yea, I'm not making this up...

It's difficult to help a new mother understand what is the right thing to do with their child (hey, I know that for a fact), so imagine trying to help a know it all fifteen year old. It got so bad, that "Kelsey" screamed, "Babies are too much work", to my reply of, "Well, this is just day one, Kelsey, what did you expect", Aunt Angie, you don't understand!! Kelsey said, to my reply of "I'm a new mother, I understand, and hopefully soon you will too".

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Small Fry...

This morning as I was taking my brother to school, I witnessed a group of kids picking on a smaller child, my heart, broke. I immediately jumped in and stopped the argument, I chasitized the children for doing this to someone, and I asked the young boy if he was okay. His face, okay, it broke my heart. I can not stand, at all, for anyone to be injuried or hurt, when I think of teaching, I think of his helpless face. Children, they can be so cruel, so friggin cruel, education shouldn’t be that way, it should be helpful, not harmful. How can I help those that need me….

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thinking Of Others....

I deleted my post from yesterday, I was very upset that an "anon" reader of my blog would classify me as not being infertile enough. Only god can judge me and so I then realized, perhaps this person is where I was a year ago, bitter, angry and confused, perhaps their only way to cover the pain is to post nasty comments to others they feel are not worthy. and for that, I pity 'anon' and I hope that peace reaches their heart soon.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Please Keep Bonnie and her family In Your Thoughts...

I'm really sad right now.... I'm thinking of Bonnie and her family and my heart is very heavy.

Bonnie is a elegant blog writer, I her blog encouraged me to write my own.

Bonnie, just like us, went through years of infertility, failed IUI's and IVF's..... Her family open their hearts to adoption and the little boy was born on 12/1/2009, however, yesterday afternoon, they recieved bad news....

Please keep her in your thoughts...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Statistically Screwed

I had a new blog, but the passion just wasn’t there. I found myself writing once and a while, which is odd for me, the advent writer I am. I realized that even though this blog started off as showcasing my battle with infertility and pregnancy afterwards, that it was still a big part of me. Infertility, that is. I can not and should not mask it just because I was given a 4% chance to have a baby and achieved it. I have spent countless hours contemplating what my greatest contribution would be medicine or business, ahh, I am so good with both. So I am back, I am back with a lot on my mind, so take a seat, you may be here for a long while =)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Little Infertile's Birth Story

I want to say that God blessed me with years of infertility only to be grateful and apperciative of my gift, our daughter, I thank him everyday for her.

I had my 40 week doctor's appointment on 9/14 (my due date), I totally intended to beg for an induction, as my husband only will be home for the next two weeks and I really didn't wanna go over and risk the chance of my husband not getting the proper amount of bonding time with the baby. Before our appointment, I did alot of housecleaning, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom. I fully expected that I would get an induction date only, prolly for 9/16. Right before the appointment DH and I stopped for chinese food and off to the doctor's appointment we went. I was surprised to find out that I gained 5 lbs, in a week, which is pretty odd as I was full term. Next the nurse did my blood pressure which was 130/90, I only had a small trace of protein and no glucose but when the doctor came in and did my blood pressure it was 140/90. He said that this is the game plan changer, and I said I'm all for pitocin! and he said yeah, I'm sending you to L&D and that he was going to let the on call doctor know. So me and DH happily made our way to L&D, DH was in a total daze (nervous huh!!) We got to L&D which thank god was only 3 minutes from the doctors office, They took blood and put me on my left side for Blood Pressure. I was so excited that I was going to finally have my little girl, but here's the thing, MY BLOOD PRESSURE WAS FINE and went down, my blood work was fine and I totally thought they were going to send me home. I started crying a little and was so upset. But then the nurse came in and said, hey do you feel all those contractions, I said what? She said when was the last time you were checked, I said in the office I was 3cm/100% she said that's all I need to know and that she's going to check me and if I'm still there I'm going to have a baby in the morning!! I was so happy!! She checked me and I was 3cm 70% and I was admitted. I was having a baby!!! I went to the birthing room where I was given a low dose of oxytocin (I was already in active labor and a low dose had me contracting every 2 minutes) the doctor came in at 5:25 (about 10 minutes after I got admitted)checked me and I was at 4cm and 70% (1cm in 10 minutes cool), He broke my water and omg, the pain started, he took away the happily begged for an epidural and got it, I was able to sleep on and off through the night (which I totally suggest preggo moms cause you need that energy) I was dialiting kinda slow, at 11:00 p.m. I was 6cm, I graduately effaced and the doctors realized that this was going to be one big baby when I stalled for 2.5 hours at 9cm. Finally at 5:45 a.m. I was 10cm/100% but a station -2!! WTF!! they called my doctor to come and finally at 6:30 a.m. I was 10cm/100% and a station +2 (phhheehh) I thought I had it made, until, I realized the PAIN of pushing, OMG there's no epidural in the world to stop that pain, for 1 hour and 45 minutes I was in pushing HELL. finally her little head popped out and let me tell you, that's some COOL shyt, seeing her head come out my body, well that just created this instant little bond!!! I was so focused and pushed her out. The doctor and nurse said OMG.... she is HUGE.... they put her on my stomach and all I could say was omg I love you sot much, thank you for being my daughter!! they weighted her and she was 9lbs 1oz and 21.25 inches, yeah, thanks alot for that fetal growth estimator that said she was only 8lbs 3lbs (at the most). She is awesome, she's a good latcher, a bit painful but good latcher...but I'm not producing enough o maintain her weight so she's on the bottle (which is fine) Once my milk comes in I'm going to start pumping and bottle feeding her (I realize that just like this baby making think, baby raising is a give and take thing, it will not be perfect)
So that's my birth story and here's my daughter!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hey, There's A Baby In This Room

BabyBell was born yesterday morning!!After 16 hours of labor and 1.5 hours of pushing, let me just tell you how much I love epidurals....Why you may ask?

Oh because my daughter who was not overdue, weighted nine pounds and one

Birth story to follow!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

To The Little One That Hasn't Exited

Hello my beautiful little girl,

today is the last day of cooking in medical terms, tomorrow is your due date. It's been a ride hasn't it? (insert my tears while writing this) I remember on January 4th, when I saw a spot of red on my toilet paper, it would of marked a year of TTC and many many months of not preventing, I cried inside and I begged God that my period would not start, and guess what? It didn't, nope, it didn't come that Monday or that Tuesday. By Weds I thought the world was playing an evil joke on me. So I went to lunch with my work buddy and stopped at Drug Fair for a pregnancy test. Now baby, I've seen SO MANY negatives, that I was in no rush to POAS, I actually went and did reception. Around 3:30 I got the nerve, I went in the first stall and peed, I watched the stick, IMMEDIATELY there was a line...omg...omg...omg... I said, the test line showed up before the control. I walked in a daze to my office, and wrote your daddy an e-mail, OH GOD!!! we were OVERJOYED I sent him the picture of the pregnancy test! I called Grandma who cried on the phone, and Grandpa and Uncle E, the men they are were cautiously happy. I made an appointment to see the ob/gyn, and on 1/21 (my grandmother's birthday R.I.P) we went to the doctor, and we saw you, we saw our baby, Daddy was so happy that he started calling everyone immediately!! I called Mom and said it's a healthy little baby!! Shortly after you made your presence known, Puking and sleeping and a CRAZY aversion to any poultry (argh)... I was all for the ultrasounds and tests.

No offense little babygirl, but we thought you were a boy. Then, on April 21st, we found out we were having a sweet little girl!!! You made it REALLY clear that you had a vay-jay-jay. As the ultrasound tech moved the wand, you pushed up your privates so they could be in every photo. Oh you silly little girl!!! Daddy and Mommy ran out that weekend and got lilac paint and painted your room, we even put up Tinkerbell boarder.

Pregnancy, thought it was tiring, though I lost ten pounds and gained it plus 30 back. It was worth it, you were the miracle that no one knew was possible.

We have been waiting for you, for two weeks now, and honestly we're getting a little bored with being in the house. Now don't get it confused, mommy and daddy love either other very much, however the bassinet in our bedroom is empty, we need you, we wanna hold you. Grandma and Grandpa keep looking at us longingly, where is their first grandchild!!!

And while I enjoy you moving in my tummy, the selfish act that I get to have with just you and I, I am ready to share you with the world.

So please little momma, don't forget to come out, we promise to make your world filled with love and sunshine. Why? because we loved you before you were even created =)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I have a "friend" (please note quotes, as I honestly don't have friends IRL, because I am way too judgemental -insert sarcastic look). Who tends to think of themself ALOT. they wanted to visit, okay, not visit, they wanted to stay a week with me and we agree on late October, as my husband and I did not want guests until we got a baby routine down. I told her that coming anytime sooner would be a waste as I am not totally mobile everyday...She informs me last week that she will be coming this week and if she can stay with us. Umm no... this is not a good time, we are back and forth at doctors and trying to enjoy the LAST LITTLE BIT OF OUR TWOSOME. (selfish? dayum right). Plus I have been havin wicked pains and I enjoy sleeping until 9..10....and 11am. I'm sorry, but at 39 weeks, I really don't want to play host to any guests, I just want to go to my doctor's appointments, take walks with my husband, spend time with my mom, watch television and read books, I mean, that's ALL i can gurantee anyone anyway, I mean I'm due ANY minute...We are on a budget, and we can't afford to take you other to all the hotspots you (ummm...that you DEMAND). Sorry, I'm REALLY big and I can't go clubbing with you (not that I even want to) or do all the shopping you aspire.

People, please be considerate of others situations....

Monday, August 31, 2009

Ohhhh.... Boyyy!!

Okay, I passed the praxis, I don't mean I passed by a little bit, I passed by ALOT... I did EXCELLENT.... OMFG.....I didn't study, I didn't even attempt to know the answers, and let me tell you, I did EXCELLENT......

I told myself totally thinkin I was going to fail, that if I pass this, I would go into teaching.... So here I am, 2 days before my masters education starts and I just found out I passed the praxis...

Just when I think that I got my career idea all STRAIGHTEN out, this happens...



Sunday, August 30, 2009

I'm Still Pregnant, Don't Worry

Sorry for being M.I.A., however I had nothing much to write. I was so pissed off at my abusive doctor's appointment, ughz, can you believe that a female doctor is ROUGHER then a male doctor, my poor poor lady parts...haha. Anyhow, I was 1cm dilated and 70% effaced on Monday, I was carrying a 6lb 14 oz baby at 37 weeks, imagine her size at 40 weeks if she continues the average of an oz a day, that's like a Wednesday morning my lovely mucus plug came out, oh yea, the whole thing (enter in sheer happiness and panic) I sat all day waiting for contractions, to which I got nadda. Oh boy!! So as I walk around here, for the start of week 3, open and thinned. I must say, I am totally ready for this munchkin to

Friday, August 14, 2009

Coat of Honor =)

I got my "coat of honor" today......

an assortment of stretch marks =)


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hey... Got Something I Wanna Share =)

Of Course!! I know you wanna see belly pictures, how could I make you wait over 35 weeks!!!

We'll go in reverse to how I got so big... So without further ado...

August (to date)



Hey.... I got something else for you....

Introducting our 28 week 6 day ultrasound =)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What's That...

Laying across the couch this morning, I decided to give out a little stretch....

Well so did Jayda, LOL...

you should of seen my face as I felt her little body expand in my tummy... matter of fact you should of saw my tummy and the new stretch marks that have taken residence.

Monday, August 10, 2009


DH: "What cha doing"
Me: "Packing my overnight bag for the hospital, which outfit do you want Jayd to wear home"
DH: "The pink one that says I love daddy"
Me: "Cool Beans, it's packed"
DH: (confused look... then turns to panic look... then a calm smile)
Me: "What ya doing babe?"
DH: (with shorts and underclothes in hand, he packs it in my bag)
DH: "Cause I'm sleeping over, I wonder what kind of food they'll serve, don't forget my toothbrush and hair gel"

When a daddy can't bare to think the mommy will spend more time with the baby then him, I call that...


Friday, August 7, 2009

Bleeding Heart

I am so upset, tears are filling my eyes... all I can think is, how could a mother do this?

As you may know, my husband's little cousin is 15 and pregnant. She was exposed to some serious incidents during an impressional age. I.E. her 20 something brother was allowed to have his girlfriend live with them, were they partook in drugs, underage alcohol and lots of sex and two pregnancies which noone thought anything of.... Her mother drinks all night and weekend, allows different men to come in and out the house. Basically, there were no morals.

The father of this childs parents want her to get an abortion, now I will set aside my pro-life views on abortion, but honestly you can't abort a 6 month old fetus, that's murder....I've mentioned adoption, to which these people think is in their verbage "stupid"..... UGHHHHSSS I almost kicked their a$$ on that..... Adoption is so beautiful.... so beautiful.... okay, I'll move along.... The father's family want nothing to do with the girl or the baby, and the father is not even speaking to the girl anymore.

So the solution? In order not to, in their words "embrass her more" they are sending her to her sisters 1000 miles away, because yea, that's how they do it, rather save face then step up to the plate.

I am so upset, so hurt, I told my husband, damn it, I want her to stay with us, I want to help her,
Why does my heart bleed? Because you can call me old school, I believe in parents raising their children, I believe in mothers LOVING their daughters. Instead of this lady changing her ways she's decided to ship her daughter off, her daughter needs a mother, not to be shipped off to her sisters.

Typically we visit them on the weekends, but I am so upset with the mother, I have nothing to say, I will be at home, for a very long time, Oddly enough I feel like they let me down and I need healing (Ahhh I'm always a victim) however I will always be their for the young lady, NO MATTER WHAT!

I just pray and hope that I give Jayda a better chance, that I do what's right for my daughter and I help her become a respectable woman. I just hope I am a real mother.

A Daddy's Girl Already

Jayda (yes that's her name) must know daddy comess home today. Everytime I send him a text message,she kicks and moves so happily. I feel arms, I feel legs, she's so happy, which makes me even happier. She loves her daddy so much, it's obvious....

What a blessed family we are =)

Monday, August 3, 2009

Oh, Bright Stars

Today is a big day for me, not only does today mark that within 42 days my daughter will bless the world. I also took a big stand for myself, yes, I took a STAND for myself! I won't describe it in details, but I chose to not give up on myself and I am proceeded forward, nervously, cautiously yet totally okay with what may happen... I'll tell you all shortly.

But let me tell you, my husband is as giddy about my plans as I am!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I'm Still Married ... LoL

I'm still married.... that in itself is an accomplishment of the week.

Pregnancy hormones, oh let me be the first to tell you they are not a joke, they are rough, rough, rough, so all the ladies 20 weeks and less, I want to warn you that your hormones are going to be raging very soon. I feel bad for your husband's.... shyt.... I feel bad for my

I'm considering moving my blog to, it's a consideration, not a true definite, I feel that with all the changes, I am not statistically screwed.... I am statisticially blessed... but another part of me, yes that paranoid part feels that changing my blog will be some sort of bad luck, I am, yes it's true, one weird cookie.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Drifting Through Life

While driving home last night, the radio host mentioned, that anyone that works 12 hours or more a day is simply exisiting and not enjoying their family life and the real world, I must say I agree. I remember going to a job interview where the hours where 8:30 a.m. - 5:30 p.m., now I live about an 1.5 hour away (far far in the and I always calculate a workday in this manner....

Wake up: 6:00 a.m.
Leave House: 6:45 - 7:00 a.m.
Arrive at work by: 8:30 a.m.
Leave work at: 5:30 p.m.
Sit in traffic in route to house: 1.5 hours
Home: 7:00 p.m.

Needless to say, I turned that job down.... oh yeah.....

I spoke to a few mothers and they told me the best parenting advice is to realize that you can't be great in everything. Work or your family life will can not be done 100% to it's maximum potential and that you really have to prioritize what will come first.

Now my question is, are you merely just exisiting? Do you have a work-life balance?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

It's My Shower and I'll Hate It If I Want To...

My husband ruined my shower for me.....

He tells guest to arrive at noon..... he tell my mother who has all the food to come at 2:00 p.m.

People wait for 3 hours with no food... I didn't even realized we had no cookies/chips left until I saw the empty tray.....

He tells my mother we're having 10 people ....

We end up having 36......

My mother starts crying because she doesn't have enough food, was late and was upset cause noone was helping her unwrap the food....

I couldn't help her because I was busy getting more food........

Yes....I was at pathmark.... then the pizza store...

I went to pick up pizza and salad....

Yep....spend 74 bucks...

Pizza guy felt bad and gave my free canolies....

I carried the boxes at my own shower...

But where was my husband?

Oh socializing downstairs....


Oh yeah, playing music, disregarding my actions, basically being UNRELIABLE...

Yup.... pretty much can't be happy when your husband throws you a shower and makes you do everything....

He gets WORST and WORST everyday....

I get smarter everyday... and have a "get out of jail card" to use if this doesn't start working out..

Yea of course there was a HUGE fight after everyone left...

Excuse the mayo and ketchup he has all over his clothing ... and the broken plates and thrown bread....

I had a MAJOR meltdown, because this was the THIRD time he's disregarded my feelings...

Oh the first time???

1. He leaves me on a sofa at his company party, neglects to introduce me and gets mad because I can't get up and "mingle" mind you I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant, I've started having contractions and I swell..... oh yea.... I swell

2. We go to a party for a co-worker of mine, and he just can't stop the delicious taste of alchol (insert sarcasm) he drinks 10 beers, even after I plead for him to stop..... then.... 2 glasses of champagne... I am mortified.... when he starts acting stupid to the point...I start crying to go home, I slept on the couch that night... tonight he will...

I am... to say the least.... really...really (insert sad face)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Stork Is Droppin The September Babies!

Mandy had her twins!!! Go to Hoping for Hoberts and show the proud parents some LOVE!!

Another lady on my due date board when in labor yesterday, we haven’t heard from her, so keep her in your thoughts.

Did I mention that almost everyone on my DDBoard baby has dropped or is trying to claw out….lol… I’m totally nervous!
I know that twins typically come early but sheesh, the mere thought of someone having babies now that are only due a week or two before me, scares the hockey sticks out of me. The funny thing is, I know that Babybell is heads down, I feel her little arms down low and legs up high, and she is such a cute little can totally see myself this week disinfecting the house inside and out and washing baby clothes. Argh!!! I’m going to be a mother soon! The baby’s room is about as complete as I want it to be, being that we haven’t purchased the crib bedding, which I think we shouldn’t do for a while, our daughter will be in our room in a co-sleeper for at least the first 10 weeks. Her dresser and chest/changing table is totally ready for onesies and socks…On that note, My shower is Sunday, I’ll post pictures later on, if you ever need a visual of my tummy, imagine a string bean with a gumball for a middle…haha

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Just Mommies Quizzes

I'm in no rush for Babybell to leave my nest, little bell take your but just in case:

Your labor prediction quiz results are below.....

Get your bags packed early just in case you need them. Make sure your partner has a phone available when he's away because this baby just might come early. We predict your baby will come 2-3 weeks early. Your baby will most likely be born in the morning. Justmommies predicts that your baby will weigh approximately 8.0 pounds and that your labor will be about 13 hours long.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

And The Shower Must Go On...

It may not be the huge affair we anticipated, but at least it will be an affair =)

I am pretty excited.... partly due to this new shower (my mom throws great showers) and partly cause I'm getting some really good deals from craigslist (sweet).... this baby is soooo lucky!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Mother In Laws..Suck Sometimes....Well Mines Suck ALOT

I am hurt beyond words right now...

Since May we've planned to have my baby shower the 26th of July. My mom and aunt offerred to throw it, but my DH's mom, insisted on doing the invitations and the shower. Since she's NEVER gave a big interest into planning anything with her own money and DH was so proud that his mom actually wanted to do something good, (I turned down my mom's and aunt's offer)

DH's mom wouldn't answer the phone all week, the only time she answered is when we called her from a number she didn't know, and guess what her first words were "who's number is this?"...We asked how the shower planning was and she says, "Lets talk tomorrow, I'm at a party right now" Now yesterday we find out that NONE of the invitations went out, the place isn't even booked, a menu hasn't been decided.... NOTHING has been done... NOTHING...

She give my DH a sorry a** story that oh times are hard and she had to pay down debt (non-existent debt, because she told us last month all of her paycheck goes to her, she doesn't have bills, her husband pays everything), mind you, she has NO problem wasting her money on the things she likes, i.e (2) packs of smokes a day and drinks. She says we'll let's push it back (she tell DH this and not me, because I would of been LIVID) I tell DH to tell her, no, that we will not have a shower when I'm 40 weeks pregnant (we doubt I'll go past 38 weeks anyway)

What hurts even more is that the invitations were only 40 bucks and that she could of told us in June when we kept asking why none of our guest got an invitation, since she swore she mailed them... My mom had been OFFERING to help this whole time... and she lied and said that everything was done and booked....Thank god my mom said don't worry about it, the baby will have EVERYTHING she needs... thank god for GREAT moms =)

Friday, July 10, 2009

66 Days To Go, Oh Joy!


66 days to go?... that's it? for real? I am... a mess.... this weekend me and DH are finally putting BabyJ's room together, due to the fact I am a string bean with a gumball for a belly, that is measuring at 33 weeks, and has her little head down, she's a constant complainer as she has asked that we expand the walls in her cell with her constant bangs and kicks, her little hiccups can be felt (where you ask?) oh I feel her hiccups in my ass...yep there's a little baby's mouth with hiccups in my behind (lol)...we are pretty sure our little September dumpling is going to be an August Hot Potato.. Therefore, I have and will happily admit, baby brain.... All i think about is baby, baby, baby....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I've been a bad blogger... sorry.

I've been a bad blogger...sorry.

For the blessing that is my daughter, I feel as thought I owe God more then ever. Our daughter is a miracle, that I really didn't believe that would come.

I realized that you can be so involved in your own "little world" that you can forget about the ones that love you the most, I am dedicating my time with my family and while that may mean missing sleep and changing the way I do things, I realize that life is too short and everyday is precious, If this is the last day on earth, I want it filled with forgiveness, kisses and love, I want to leave knowing that I was a good person and that my soul was clear....

I'm in school now =), no not for teaching. I feel that my purpose is to education, but in a new sense, I'll talk more about it in later months, but yes It's in the health care field and I am very excited.

That's it on my end... =)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Week 27

First off.... Caroline.... CONRADS!!! everyone go give Caroline some love ... well you know before she gets morning sickness =)

It's me, I'm still here, just been quiet, not too much has been going on.

The weight gain.... uh-oh.... but let's be honest i am ALL BELLY... I am on the higher end of the scale, but I always look alot less then my weight, if you saw me today you'd think I'm no more then 140... I carry weight AMAZINGLY....

I took a much needed break from studying this weekend to have our ONLY mini-vacation this weekend, awww always good to rekindle the magic with DH.

But tonight I am back on the grind of studying my little butt off, because hey I only got 15 days left and this test is pretty much an asset I need, who am I kidding, I really need.
Today marks a big day for me, can you guess? by the measurements of my OB/GYN I am in my third trimester. What can a former infertile say? well other then wow, there's nothing much more to say. Sometimes I lay in bed and I think about how I felt this time last year, how far away that was, but how close to my heart that pain remains. Those tears, that pain, I still vision the deals I made with God to get pregnant, my immaturity and my desperation that things should happen on my time ONLY... I pray, all the time, that Babybell is born healthy... and I don't take for granted anything in life, you can't, you never know when you'll have your last kiss, your last pillow fight... you last breath.....

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Joys Of BabyBell's Kicks

Wait what is this waking me up at 5:00 a.m.??

My daughter's little coordinated kicks.....

Watching my bell move, it's a sight for sore eyes

Oh babybell, your movements are so apperciated and wanted =)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


One more step towards progress, the test is booked =) You know for the career i'm dyin for.

Now, I have to study for the CYA test... aka my licensing exam for the career I do now, but don't really wanna, you know just in case what i believe is going to happen, happens sooner then expected... aka the layoff....

Wish me luck!

Monday, June 1, 2009


I've been wondering about different religions for a while now. Catholism and Seventh Day Adventist to be exact, Two totally different flips of the coin. I believe that it is WAY overdue that I make a more prominent attempt to do as God told me to. This goes beyond my personal life, but my professional life as well. So come next weekend, I will be attending a church and all week I will be researching that church and religion, I am leaving it to God to show me the way to go..... Something I needed to do a LONG time ago, let go, leave it up to God, and be faithful. I remember when I was an avid church follower, my life was so simple. Money was never an issue, I never worried about my next step, because God protected me =).... So I am very excitied about giving it all up to God again and learning my bible all over again =)

Me and DH kissed and made up, eh, he's my soulmate, I'm pregnant and a little irrational ... what do you

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Still Stalkin Blogs....

Just because I don't post doesn't mean I'm not still stalkin blogs....

Melissa and Caroline I'm crossing my fingers that you'll have a BFP in the next few days...

I'm still here, still pregnant...and I'm sporting sucha cute bump... BabyBell is adorable inside the womb... because hey I'm already betting she's adorable outside the womb too (no rush babybell, you gotta lot more cooking to do!) I mean I blush everytime a guy tries to pick me up... As soon as I turn around (and some still don't notice it when I turn around) "I'm like I'm six months pregnant and I'm married"

So today's horoscope said:
Just because you've been close to someone forever doesn't mean you truly know them.

And I thought immediately to DH, then I brushed it off as a oh well, it's a friggin horoscope. But... it wasn't.... me and DH are technicially not on speaking terms right now, I'm sure he'd like to speak to me,but he won't dare......he better not dare...I am not a big arguer, so when I ram you in the a**, I ram you in the a** for a reason, I saw something on a social network, that really had me questioning my DH's integrity.... And the discussion that followed my rant, well it didn't help DH either....I won't get into details, it's not cheating or stealing or anything divorce worthy....but I'm really more disgusted then pissed off.... eh.... I guess you never really do know a person....

So in case I don't write again this week.... ttyl =)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I have a licensing quiz next month for my current career, to date I have studied, what a hour or so? As you all know, I'm going back to school (part-time) in January to do a 180 on my career, what I do now, is fun, ......sometimes..... sometimes I'm helping people, sometimes I feel like I've violated any ethic or moral I ever had.... oh they call this business huh? I strive to help people, you know REALLY help people, I rather be doing that 100%, and I need a better work/life balance, I, am pretty much all play no work.... I am taking the licensing quiz, because I officially won't be done with the new career education until 2011, and I'm going to probably want to work in this field another 1 1/2 years - 2 years.... so it kinda makes sense.....but let me tell you, I have ZERO motivation in studying for this..... Now watch, as soon as january rolls in I'm going to go crazy in love with the new education program and beg DH to stay home and just do the program.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Screw Your "Fund"

How about for one minute you get that whole pro-choice crap out your head, see it from a future mother, one that trying naturally for a baby for years,

my baby cells divided at three weeks...
at six week, my baby had a hearbeat.....
at nine weeks, my baby had legs and arms....
at twelve weeks my baby had fingers...

Matter of fact, my baby wiggles and kicks within...

now tell me how the hell you can say my baby isn't a real human???

And you wonder why I won't donate to your fund? Because your fund kills the chance for good people to adopt, your fund kills my kid's future classmates.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Ohhh The Economy Is Bad Huh?

Jobs are zero to none, it didn't really hit me until I did some web surfing. Of course my degree program doesn't start until January, so I can cross my fingers and hope for the best when I try to change careers, but sheesh... I remember three years ago, If I was tired of working, then fine, I just switch jobs, it was that simple, that easy. To get into my new career path, I'm going to need to do HEAVY networking, heavy tutoring, heavy volunteering and make heavy sacrifices... eh.... but it will be worth it in the end. If I go for the program I'm familiar with, I start Jan 2010, with my last semester in Jan 2011, it's going to take a year and a half, but I'll be done a few months before babybell is 2 and my debt won't be crazy high. I also am scheduled for some information sessions this month, which their program will give me a higher degree, but will cost about 3times more.... ouch.....but I would like to pursue a masters, nonetheless, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Friday, May 8, 2009

The Graduate Degree

“I’m only doing this for money, it’s not what I want to do, I want a career that will give me more, that will give us more, BabyBell needs a full-time mom, you deserve a full-time wife, not one that works all the time”

I made the decision; I’m sending the transcript….

There’s a lot on my mind lately, tons of it has nothing to do with the present. It has everything to do with being able to push BabyBell in a swing at 4:00 p.m. It has everything to do with, making cookies on snow days and day trips in the summer. It has everything to do with enjoying my mother, It has everything to do with being a full-time wife to my husband, It has everything to do with finishing my crazy schedule by the time BabyBell is two, it has everything to do with giving up what is comfortable, for what is best for those in my life. It’s all about them.

As I sit here and ponder how we will make it financially, I know that we will make it.
Because between my mother and my husband, these comments rang out.

“I’d be so proud if you went to school for that”
“Babe, don’t worry, we’ll make it through”

Thursday, May 7, 2009

A Change Of Course

I am pretty young...

"at this age... you have alot of options...."
"you would be excellent as that, perfect"

They're right, I am a vibrant early/mid twenty something and I do in fact, have alot of options. I have time to make a bad decision or two and I am able to play any card I so want......

"But what if you don't like it?"

Why wouldn't I? The two elements involved I love, yes, it will be hard, but think of all the lives I'll reach, think of all the change I can be apart of.

The thought of two more years of school does seem to put me at wits end....

"I thought you wanted to pay down debt for law school"

I rather give my child my life, law school's door isn't closed, it's just unrealistically attainable right now.

"You're entitled to a career"

And my daughter is entitled to a mother, this career will allow us to have it both ways.

"You're going to be giving up alot of income for this"

Where there's a will there's a way, we'll have to cut back, save, I'll work part-time, I'll defer my loans, we'll manage, we'll be okay.

So.... I guess I just answered another question myself.....

Friday, May 1, 2009

Oh Yeah Brooke!!

Brooke is pregnant!!! go over to her blog and show her some love!!!!

God is so good!!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Pure Emotion

Ultrasound Tech: “If I get the baby to turn, you’ll see three lines”
Me: “Three lines mean a girl, the baby’s a girl”
Ultrasound Tech: “Yes, it’s no question that’s a little lady”

The moment I found out a little girl was rattling my uterus; I’ve been in shock, awe, complete amazement. I wanted a little girl, since sheesh I was a little girl. This seems so real, utterly too real. Up until that point pregnancy was fun it was just a cool vacation from my menstrual period and the bonus effects would be a cute little baby to play with. Now, It’s hit me, I’m going to be a mother. More importantly I am going to be this little girl’s role model. This little girl is going to need me more then ever. With each move of her hand, kick of her legs, and turn, I saw the person that I will dedicated my life to. Well hello there little baby, mommy has waited several years for you. Mommy has cried a lot of tears for you, mommy has peed on a lot of sticks for you, mommy has did b/w, ultrasounds and a HSG for you, mommy and daddy cried themselves to sleep when doctors said we’d never ever get pregnant with you…. Oh baby, how I adore you!!!

It’s all starting to make sense, my whole world is changing and I couldn’t be happier.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Flavor Baby?

Guess what......


Sunday, April 19, 2009

And This Is My Momma!!

Everytime I hear the little boy sing and say "And This Is My Momma" I burst out love it!!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

4 Days Before I See Baby

I'm in withdrawal.... I wanna see my baby....

I wanna see their eyes, nose and mouth (FINALLY!!) I also wanna see their little privates so I know what team I'm pitching on =) I ever the impatient, tried to get the ultrasound date changed to today, no luck... there is no earlier appointments.... bummer.... I wanna see my baby!! I wanna see fingers, toes, arms and legs.... I wanna see smiles, frowns and sucking of the thumb....and did I mention I wanna see their privates? lol.... I'm getting real tired of netural colors... it the 21st yet?

Sunday, April 12, 2009


Chilli..... that's my claim to fame craving. I spend 7 hours cooking chilli in a crock pot, because my little babybell wanted it bad. Every get waked up and the first thing on your mind is chilli? So yes.... That's my MAJOR CRAVING.... what's yours?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Extra Annoyed....

I'm young, I'm gifted..... I know.

As beautiful as my paycheck looks it doesn't compare to the b/s I have to deal with a certain employee. Who loves to question my actions! I guess it's another show of diversity. However, I am not the sweet pushover anymore and I do get mad.... Oh hyll yes.

With a husband that travels 27 weekdays a year... I didn't plan on continuing my 1.5 hour commute to work after babybell arrives anyway.

Just another reason why I have a:

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Three Little Random Things

1. For My Co-Workers: I'm all belly, I know. Not a single other area of my body is big. Save your friggin old wives tales. Yes, DH and I both think this baby is a boy. Sure I was a team pink player. Shyt after TTC for 3+ years, I don't care what we get, boy, girl, animal, vegetable..... But that doesn't mean that you can keep saying, "oh you're having a boy cause you're all belly.... It's no way it's a girl, no way". Save your fairy tales, and wait for the ultrasound.

2. Convo with DH aka My Big Baby
DH: (while goggling on his laptop) "Look they got an ultrasound at 17 weeks"
Me: "Oh Cool"
DH: "How come we gotta wait until 19 weeks?"
Me: "Because it's an anatomy scan, not just a gender scan"
DH: "That's not fair"
DH: "I want to get an ultrasound NOW"
Me: "Well sweetie, go ahead, but i don't think they'll see a baby in your tummy"

3. TMI Warning
I used to have a gorgeous body... MEMORIES!!... I was I'm like 40-(WTF knows)-34.....My ass hurts guys. It's so sore. Everytime I wake up it's like DH has been kicking me in the ass, and oh yeah, wouldn't pass it by him to do that heard it's normal and I'm suppose to put pillows between my legs and take baths. Oh the irony..... a year of putting a pillow under my ass to get preggo and now 5 months of putting it between my legs for pain relief.

Monday, April 6, 2009


First off....CONGRADS Bmom and Emmy.... welcome to morning

So yeah, what's up with the second trimester QUEEN.

I have driven myself Loco, looking at the foods, they say pregnant women CANT eat.

If I go by this shyt, I'ma be afraid to eat ANYTHING.

Please note I am drastically recovering from non eating for 15 weeks (gotta love that morning/afternoon/evening/night sickness) and those awesome 10 lbs I lost, Oh hellz yea my body was down with the sickness, my body will only tolerate things it likes, like DH's kisses and Tiggers hugs...haha..... I can't take the smell of chicken and eating it make me ill. Therefore I am stuck to seafood, beef, ground turkey and pork. I'm sorry, but I like roast beef, I want a roast beef sandwich. I will have them warm it up and cook it, but I am going to eat it. My little babybell is kicking away at my uterus (pretty cool right, it started at 16w4d), and soon they will anticipate lunch.

They will anticipate a roast beef sandwich with roasted red peppers and sundried tomatoes..... I'm sorry, I can't disappoint them.

ETA: The roast beef was too red for my preference, and even though I felt the happiness and desire the baby had to eat it, I passed. We ended up having a delicious roasted red pepers, mozeralla and tomato wrap minus the roast beef.

Hey, at least we had lunch....and hey look a little kick from babybell to say thank you.

Friday, April 3, 2009

To Each Their Own

I am currently studying for my certification test, which will be taken the end of June. I spend a vast majority of the weekend reading study guides and weeknights reading assessments. I am lucky to have worked in this area for a few years, so there's alot I do know, and ALL of this information is valuable for me. I am also taking an online course to fill the requirements to enter my master's degree program.
All of these will be completed by August 11th. I stop working 2 weeks before deliever and don't go back til December. In January I start my master's program, only one class, but nonetheless I start. My baby will be 4 months then. When I discussed my future plans with my friend at work, she said "How can you do all that?" I looked at her puzzled.
For I worked a full time job, a part time job, lived on my own 100% and took 18 credits in college, I still had plenty of free time to party. She only went to school full time and was flustered still. I am going to be a twentysomething mommy, she is in her late thirties/ early forties and is considering motherhood, but says that it will be too much work, her husband would depend on her to do too much and she isn't where she wants to be in her career. She says maybe in 2 years or so, but probably not cuz it's too much work.
I started wondering am I biting off too much? Working full-time, being a full-time mom and taking one master course? No way.... you want to know why? Because determination = results. If a million people did it before me, a million people will do it after me. If I believe it, it can be done.
Now back to researching programs =)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Convo with Husband

DH: "The baby has a big head huh, hi baby!"
Me: "What?"
DH: "It's a boy, see the penis"

Look at my pregnancy timeline icon on the left.

Can someone please tell my husband the following:

1. This is a pregnancy timeline and not our actual baby
2. That is not a penis, it's an umblical cord

20 days until we find out what our chipmunk is!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Can't I Just Be Sick?

I had a headache yesterday, a fucked up one. It started Sunday evening and lasted until 1:00 a.m. this morning (I feel fab now)....I came to work for two hours yesterday and asked my boss if I could leave, apparently, the grapevine of my close coworkers knows I'm expecting... she told me that a few people asked her if I was.... (nosey people)

Dude, can't I just be sick one day? Headaches are common for me, very common... and pregnancy makes it worst.... oh yeah, I'm pregnant 4 months and my body is okay, I'll admit OUTSTANDING, I fit ALL my pre-pregnancy clothes, shyt even better then I did pre-pregnancy...

Anyhow, I totally got an award a while back see it posted, thanks Melissa!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

One Click...

I am starting the process of evolution.... in just one click. September is going to be life changing, so will June..... the career change is going to be different...and next January will be the start of a dream, a dream to help others. I am excitied about what the future holds for me.

I just started the process .... one click .... registration completed.....

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Little OverAchiever...

I want it all, I was raised to be the best.

I am the classic example of an overachiever, I am pursing my PHR, joining my local SHRM chapter, taking winter classes for psychology and applying to graduate school in the fall of 2010 for Educational Psychology. I intend to use my PHR to apply for a generalist position in Late October/ November and start on December 1st of this year. The economy does not scare me, I am an OVERACHIEVER.... I do what I gotta do.
I really want to be home with babybell until he's (yea, I have a weird way of referring to this baby as a he, during ttc sex I said Oh a little boy, and since that's the month I got pregnant, the thought stuck with me) eh.... we won't know until 4/21, I'm pretty team Green, I'm just EXCITED someone lives in here. Anyway, to stay on topic I wanted to stay home with babybell until they were 12 weeks, so babybell, come on your due date! but no earlier then a week before! and not later!.....

I intend to be a kick ass career mommy.... which is why we choose to have a bambino or bambina early. While our careers are still fresh and less demanding....

So that's all from the little overachiever....

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

13 Weeks 1 Day

The first thing I touch in the morning is you while you float in my tummy....

I touch you during breakfast....

During lunch....

During dinner.....

DH touches you before we go to sleep....

You are such a wanted baby, you are so lucky.

Everything we do is so that you can have a better future, now as we enter the second trimester, we have picked your potential names.... even before we've know your sex.... you are our precious baby, our gift from God. You are what miracles are made of, you are the 4% of hope we've dreamed of.....

Every tear we cried so far, worth it. 8 weeks of morning sickness, worth it. This is the beginning of bliss....

Can't wait to change your pamper in September!!!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

If She Only Knew....

If she only knew that I am an infertility advocate...

The lady at work has had two miscarriages, this is her third. She is crying, I offered to speak to her, however she declined.

Lord knows I can help her.... Lord knows I could. But I can not pressure her to open up to me, I just can't.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

One Is Enough...

It annoys me, alot... when people ask me how many children I want. As if I am allowed to determine how many children I can have. Did they forget about the whole God factor? It took us, what 3 years for one? Let's get real.

I am realistic and I am greateful for this MIRACLE and yes it pisses me off which you say having one child is selfish. Okay ... WTF? Strangers and those who do not know the TTC struggle, do not, I repeat do not, tell me what is selfish, what is fair and how miserable my only child will be.

So just to see my ability to deal with multiple children for more then 2 hours, DH and I had our nieces and nephews over, yes 3 kids. Can I just say one thing.... OMFG.

As I sit in my soon to be baby's room, I breathe ez, I smile. One is enough... One is more then enough....

Thursday, February 26, 2009

In God's Whole Plan

I am emotional, I am totally happy, I am starting to believe. I believe that I will be bringing home a baby this summer. I believe that all the tears I cried, all the years I waited, it was worth it. Because i would have NEVER felt this much gratefulness and graditude. This baby was my dream, my fantasy, my desire. I surrendered all for this baby, and guess what, nothing can make me stop praising the lord for this blessing..... this blessing that people said was IMPOSSIBLE without medical intervention. This blessing that had under a 4% chance of coming true. Our baby, our beautiful baby.....

I can't start to tell you what he does to you (God), Someday I'll understand in God's whole plan because I see it all in my baby......

Monday, February 23, 2009

Handful of Cheerios

It's not just breakfast anymore.

I have not been able to eat happily since 5.5 weeks of pregnancy, absolutely nothing food wise appeals to me, or at least makes my mouth water. The simple task of chewing, makes me gag. Morning sickness, Afternoon sickness, Evening sickness... sickness all because. My doctor thinks it's normal, perfectly fine, as I eat the equalvalent of 5 bowls of cherrios (without the milk, because while I LOVE drinking milk, it makes my mouth so friggin dry now) throughout the day, juice and water, I'm able to add in an ensure, which is perfect for those of you that are like me and don't really mine drinking, but hate chewing and swallowing. My pregnancy by the way, is going excellent. I've lost 10 lbs at 11 weeks, but once again that's normal, I'm not eating my high powered junk food and I'm taking in small portions. So all and all, that's a healthy move. Is it September yet?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Blog Where I Say.... "Doh"

"You're showing"
"You are showing"
"OMG look at your belly"

I'm bloated, I'm ten weeks pregnant, you ain't seen NOTHING yet. So sorry guys if I left you in a standstill, I can't find my wireless card and therefore I can only write blogs at home, when I'm not puking or sleeping. Nothing new here, Valentine's day rocked, and I have the sexiest, sweetest hubby.... but hey, those are givens.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Run, Puke, Rinse, Repeat

I've had morning sickness since 5 weeks and 5 days..... but guess what!! C'mon Guess!! I puked yesterday, my first real puke, I was in a resturant in the urge of running came to mind, I totally puked in the sink, and I was so proud, (I'm soooo weird and gross, I know) I ran back to the table like babe I puked, my first puke, yay!! and Then I ate the remainder of my dinner =)

Then this morning, after popping my prenatal, I puked again.... I am, so excited about puking, yea, I'ma weird mommy....

Friday's appointment was fab, baby measurements are perfect 8 weeks 4 days, and the heartrate... you ready for this? 180BPM!!! the little one was just playing around and dancing "like look mommy, my arms and hands are here now, LOOOOKK at me"....

Welp....that's it..... time to take my 10th nap for today...

No matter how gross I feel, I LOVE BEING PREGNANT....and more importantly .... I LOVE THIS BABY!!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

An Angry Preggo...

My boss is an ass....

I've said it before, but now I mean it.

If you can tell a top performer this, "You have the best performance, but your job can be eliminated though" or this "You won't be getting a raise (again) because you make enough money at your age". He was lucky I needed my paycheck for the next 6 months or I would of gotten up and kicked his ass.

Same person who "unannoucingly demoted"(meaning he doesn't invite me to management events, even though I was hired as a manager and at the time had a staff) me to a non-manager.

Same person who ass I covered 100% of the time, but listen up, your ass will be totally cold now....


Mind you this is NOT the boss that hired me, just a fraction of that person.

So yeah, I'm not welcomed back after maternity leave, if I still have a job then, but for some reason I don't care either way......

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Homesick Rant....

When we bought this house, I though it was great. It was a pretty big house, in a really nice neighborhood, had I known house prices would go down this much in 2 months, we would of waited, I would have waited. We live too far. Even though DH says, it's only an hour away, he's not a female, he's a male, I am the one who you know, has to plan ahead. Now that I'm pregnant I realize how much more help I am going to need and how limited our funds are. DH's job has him travelling 20-25 weeks a year, I currently work full-time, and by a very slim amount (3,000) I am the breadwinner, there is no way I can do a 1 1/2 hour commute to and from work and then work a 8-9 hour day as a mother, right now I wake up at 6:00 a.m. and get home if lucky at 6:00 p.m., I shower and go to sleep, I'm typically too dayum tired for dinner and I maybe get to speak to my mother on the phone if I'm not zoned out by 9:00 p.m. Imagine when our infant comes, I intend to breastfeed for 3 months, so yeah, I anticipate not sleeping either. My mother is going to sit for us for free. But we've waited so long for a baby, I can't bear to think that I have to work 40+ hours and not see the baby then, I'm honestly beat with the commute to work and the boredom of my job. In my mind, I've decided to work part-time at the most. It's unfair to me to be the sole caregiver and then work 40+ hours on what, maybe 3 hours of sleep, on top of that I'm going back to school for my graduate degree. I feel that if our bills do not get paid, since my husband thinks everything is fine and dandy, he can work a weekend job to pay them. To further this, I've decided to conslidate my bills to get a lower car insurance, and to really budget, I've been doing well with this so far. my goal is to get all my bills low, and perhaps I'll work full-time again in 2011. But I am so not pushing myself, I am so not.

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Baby Has Fans!

Remember when I told you my step father was being a total jerk about my pregnancy, well it comes to find out he was only trying to protect my feelings, as he knows how hard we've been trying and how scary pregnancy is, he is also old fashion and I had to ummm, remind him that our kiddo was conceived after marriage....well I saw them this weekend and get this...

They've painted their spare bedroom for the keep calling the baby our baby and my step father keeps trying to give away things he thinks babies like, lol. It was so cute.... I felt so much better....

My husband and his family have been blowing me kisses on the phone and are giving us EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.... which is HELLA SWEET!!

Hey little baby, you got ALOT of people waiting for you!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm Just Me

I have viewed my due date club all of 30 times, I have posted maybe once, in my heart, I do not identify with 97% of the women there, TTC was not an easy bottle of wine for me, it was hard, TTC almost ruined my marriage, it almost ruined my soul. I can not "LOL" with you when you say that your husband wants a boy soooo bad because you have 3 girls, I can not "AWWW" with you because you have a 3, 2 and 10 month old and are pregnant again. For your fertility, it's beautiful, I am happy you didn't experience half of what I did, however, I can not pretend to be someone I am not, and will never be. When you told your husband you were pregnant, he probably smiled and flexed his muscles....mine got on his knees and thanked God. I have captured my pregnancy interest in web browsing what is normal for this stage (imagine that: "What is normal and me in the same sentence) For I started TTC at 20 and finally at 23, I've accomplished that task. DH and I have agreed that one healthy baby in the room adjuncted to us is all we expect, need and deserve. So ladies, no I'm not anti-social, no I'm not bitter, I'm Just Me....

That's all I strive to be.....

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Cure To Morning Sickness


Eat and eat like you never have I figured it out that if I eat early in the morning and all day and I do mean ALL DAY my stomach doesn't have a chance to be empty (hence prompting morning sickness) and I feel fuckin great.... I'm not even that bloated anymore!! (eating = flat stomach, wtf knew) Now of course, sooner or later my body will figure out that I've found a cure and will shut that cure down immediately and my morning/afternoon/nighttime/ shit all weekend sickness will return but until then.... pizza anyone?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

7 Weeks, 2 Days

I'm 7 week and 2 days, YAY! My little bloated belly makes me look four months pregnant, what I find funny about this is that in a few weeks my bloating will go away and the belly will be all baby, I have what, a day in between to be flat stomached? I haven't been able to eat more then one meal since 5 weeks and 5 days, I am surviving off of sandwiches from subway, cinnamins, popcorn, water, and milk, LOTS of milk. It's okay at the stage to be totally sick, as the baby doesn't need alot of food right now, and by the 2nd trimester the nausea and overwhelling desire to eat nothing will go away (so my doctor says). I am still going strong at work, I mean I have not vomitted yay, I just feel like crap 70% of the day. But it's worth it, so worth it. Next friday is our first appointment, as the six week appointment was an inital visit to the practice and confirmation of pregnancy, at this first appointment here we do a shit load of bloodwork, another ultrasound (yippie) and go over the details of what to expect.

Tomorrow is my husband's b-day and I'm thinking of calling out so that I can get some sleep and relax and taking him out for dinner.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Oh Clever

Hey you guys wanna hear something OUTRAGEOUS?

Me and DH were watching "The King of Queens" last night, it was the episode were Doug and Carrie met new friends and invited them for brunch with Kelly and Deacon. AT the brunch the new friends made an annoucement that they were going to try for babies, well my DH smiled and said:

"Here's my advice, be patient, and don't concentrate so much into it"

Perhaps the ultrasound picture that he won't let me have back lol gave him so much confidence to say that!!

Because ladies, I will always be infertile in my heart and no matter what, I will always know this:


Thursday, January 22, 2009


Recap of Yesterday's Ultrasound:

A Sac....A Yolk.... A Uterus Implantation

One Loud Heartbeat... (visable and audiable)

All and all, one healthy, happy baby in there!!

Two totally happy parents!!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

You Tagged Me!!

Okay I was totally tagged by "Hoping for Hoberts", and guess what!! We just got a new PC and I have zero pictures on it.. BOOOO... however I'll give you a visual, had I been on "old dusty" my old computer that had ALL my pictures, DH's fishing trip, my childhood pictures (I was a hot teenager, shyt I'm still hott) and our wedding and vacation photos....I think numero four would have been our picture from DH's cousin's bar-be-que.... I wore a white and beige shirt and beige shorts and DH wore a white and beige striped shirt and olive slacks... I had my hair down with dangling gold earrings and get this, my smile was kinda cute! (I have these two smiles that I've perfected to make cool pictures) loser? yea... I know.... Thanks Miss Lady for tagging me (even though from reading her blog I know that you're head over heels in puke ..haha .... me too)

Melissa... I'm so pissed AF was late and no BFP grrrrrr......I am also intrigued by your blood results and when they were done, I have a few websites for you to check out.... email me!

Emmy...okay I am SOOOOO pissed off at your doctor how the fying fyck can they tell you you're young and all that b/ know...when my doctor said that shyt...I said you know what??? yea I'm young, and you should be even more concerned since infertility in a healthy twentysomething couples is should be knocking down the door with testing us..... and since they didn't I switched doctors....I got NO TIME for other people trying to plan MY friggin life....

Now back to football with DH.... go Eagles!!! I'll probably regret posting that if they fyck up in the final 10 minutes...UGGHHHH!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Oh... Well Thank You

"Your blood work is positive you are 5-6 weeks pregnant" Congratulations!

Oh, well thank you.....

Hey Little Baby, You're Doing An Awesome Job So Far...Keep It Up!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009


I read about everyone else's "fycked up close relative experience" to show me that hey, fertile don't understand. Thank you! But my family problems are pretty deep, I think this was just a reminder from God to be wery of people who made your childhood HELL and to not allow your child to have the same upbringing.... thanks God.... his (stepfather) nasty comments sting still but I'm getting better...with the love and kisses of DH I am getting threw this fine.

Guess what DH said to me yesterday?

"You are going to be a wonderful teacher" (awwwww)
Then he asked me about what grade I want to teach and the school program, I have a wonderful husband guys!!!

I am scared frighten and anixous over our appointment on the 21st, I really want this to be a smooth pregnancy, I welcome morning sickness and I can't wait for the pain of labor... I can't wait, I never imagined that being pregnant would be more stressful than trying to get pregnant... yikes...

I watched my husband figure out or bills tonight, we're god we're able to get the tax credit loan thing to help with me being out of work September - December. I am going to need to go back to work in January, and possibly do the teaching certification over 2-3 years, I need to see how this pregnancy goes before I commit to going to school in September instead of January (which I think is a better idea), a college I once went to has a evening/weekend trimester thing, so if I end up doing student teaching in January 2011/ September 2011, it will be an easier blow to our paycheck/house hold, plus the school will take a 2 year old for childcare, I do intend to find a job in the school system and start after the baby is born to at least get my foot wet... God, please let me know if this is okay, if not I will alert my plans to your approval, just please watch over my pregnancy.

Guys if you haven't noticed I am TOTALLY certain God blessed up with a baby, I don't want to do ANYTHING that will make him upset....

Now here's the crazy lady in me, I was googling can you get pregnant from public bathroom toliet paper...lmao I know, I just can't believe that this is real and that it FINALLY happened.... of course I haven't used "sperm filled" toilet paper ANYWHERE, hell I rarely even use anyone else's bathroom...I'm just a crazy preggo lady who's in shock.... total shock

Friday, January 9, 2009

Fycked Up People...

How anyone could tell their stepdaughter (who's dealt with fertility issues) the following:

"Ya'll crying over a baby that ain't going to be here in 9 months"
"Ain't nothing wrong with you, nobody in there, you aren't having a baby"

They need a one way ticket to hell....

Needless to say my Stepfather will have nothing to do with this pregnancy, or any additional pregnancy or definitely not my child.

My DH is disguised... COMPLETELY... I am not surprised, my stepfather was NEVER a good man.

I tried to call a truce in our relationship, but guess what he's a fucked up person.

Pray that he gets better, I will.

Awww Better....

You can post comments on my blog finally....

Okay guys,

I decided to go to my Al Mater (IDK, how is it spelt again) for my teaching certification. I mean honestly, in September there will be alot of changes to get used to, diapers, bottles, less income you know ALOT... I know what to basically expect at the college I graduated from, they offer a little bit more flexiblity hours wise, so I can take late morning classes in case the baby is up all night.... I should be done with classes by December 2010 (HOPEFUL), or May 2011 if DH wants me to work an extra semster before student teaching (unpaid student teaching), in any event I should be teaching by September 2011 (hopeful again) or 2012, the baby will be either 2 (ideal) or close to 3 and I will get to spend even more time with them. I'm not sure what I will do work wise in January 2010, I know very much that we have bills, but I really want to spend as much time with the baby as possible, so I will probably work part-time or stay home, I want to enjoy my baby. I mean, we are lucky to get a positive we will be HELLA lucky to have a baby.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Now The Real "Fun" Starts...

It took us a year to concieve, a whole year. I am happy to be pregnant, okay I am THRILLED, now here's the scary part, the REALLY scary part.... 1 in 5 will miscarry, I don't wanna miscarry, I want my baby, I need to be in that 80%..... Today I am 4 weeks and 4 days, I took my prenatal, I've swallowed my water, I ate my healthy lunch....oh little baby, we've waited for you for soooo long please, please tell me you're here to stay...In 13 days at 6 weeks and 2 days, I get my "initial" OB/GYN appointment, you know, bloodwork, a pregnancy pack and blah blah blah....a few weeks after I get my DH is excited but so damn scared.... this is our little blessing...soooo please.... grow baby, please grow.....

And YOU thought the 2WW was hell huh??


"Okay great we'll see you on the 21st"

I'm pregnant.... I am..... I POAS today again, actually after peeing twice this morning I drank a whole lot of water and then peed, still a BIG FAT POSITIVE...

Wow..... I'm pregnant..... we're expecting.... Wow

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


AF is 3 days late ..... she's never been this late.... I will test soon and perhaps tear up if/when I see a BFN.....


Monday, January 5, 2009

I Did It!

Admissions Rep: So what do you wanna do with this degree?
Me: I want to go back to Kean for my postbachelorette's in teaching
Admissions Rep: Cool, what course do you wanna register for
Me: General Psychology? The online course...
God... thanks for the plan!

I guess I can credit infertility to a few things in my life today, my beautiful home, my loving husband, my strong family bonds, the new plan I believe God has in store for me.So yeah the downside of infertility is not having a baby, but can you see all that's given me? imagine when we do get that baby.... they will be so much more loved, so much more wanted, so much more deserved

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Wants Versus Needs

Flashback to 1989

Me: "Can I have chocolate chip cookies"
Mommy: "Yes"
Me: "Can I have oatmeal cookies"
Mommy: "You can have either the oatmeal or chocolate chip ones"
Me: "But mommy I need them both!"
Mommy: "Sweetie.... these are wants not needs"

How true that statement was. I have spend 12 cycles crying to God about how much I need a baby, about how cruel he is for not giving me a baby. Countless tears, countless screams, countless wasted time. A baby, as beautiful as it is and how precious, is a gift from God. a gift that is a want. You need water, you need food, you need shelter to live, but if you get a BFN in the morning and your period starts, don't get mad at God because at the end of the day a baby is a gift, a wanted gift by many, an unwanted gift by some, but a want in the end.

I realized that today. I thought of it, and moved on. I need God to give me the gift I want, and I will wait for just that, if it takes a year, two years, ten, I will wait. I will allow God to point me in the right direction and stop wasting my time on tears and disappointments. I am fortunate, I am lucky, I have alot of other "wants" and basically all on my "needs".

So as I picked up my sanitary napkins and looked through the courses being offered at the community college, I felt fine. I looked at my husband and I smiled, I cooed at kids and didn't cry, I am starting to realize what I truly "need" in life.

Infertility, is a disease, it can cause depression if you let it, it can paralyze your marriage, if you let it. Infertility, trust me, is not a want or a need for many, but it is just another obstacle that will either break you or make you stronger, I'm striving for the latter. Some months ago if you'd ask me what's more important a baby or my marriage, I would look at you puzzled....I wanted both, I can't pick between EITHER.

But now if it came down to two wants, a baby and my marriage, I'm sure you know who would win.

My husband of course.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Yeah... Whatever

I make the real money, I have the common sense, I have to deal with your infertility phobias...

Don't ask me to clean shyt, unless you're going to do a semen analysis....

This house can burn to the ground and I wouldn't care..... as long as my Fertility Monitor and OPKs survived the fire.

- Things I said in my mind -

Friday, January 2, 2009

In Eight Years...

I will walk to the park for lunch, wearing a beautiful two piece gray skirt suit with my long brown hair pulled back in a bun. I'll have a yummy tuna salad sandwich and peaches to eat. There's three park benches, a couple sits at number one, four teenage boys sit at number two, and two women sit at number three; I will sit by two women.

As I look out to the playground area, I will see a few children playing. A redhead with the cutest pink pantsuit immediately catches my eye. She is sitting on the slide alone, watching to other children play, she looks like an outsider who so desperately wants to be in the inside"Awww soooo adorable"I say outloud, his mother who sits on my left replies "Thank you, she's so shy". A blonde baby boy comes to her like her knight in shining armor. To which the mother on the right says, "That's my little boy, always the charmer".

Us three start chatting for what seems like forever, I find out that they live in the next town from me, they talk about how hard it is to make friends with work and all, to which I agree to, by now I am a successful attorney working for the state under the district attorney. We make plans to see a movie when we're free, I am totally excited to have found these awesome ladies, until the dreeded question comes in.When they ask me where's my child.

Me: "I don't have any...."
Left Mother: "Oh"
Right Mother: "Do you want kids?"
Me: "I did .....I mean..... we can't"
(A confused look takes place on both mothers)
Me:"Well it was nice, I have to go back to work"

I cry silently all the way to the office......

Hey Babybell!

9.15: Born at 9lbs, 1oz, 21.25 inches (90% all the way around)
9.21: 9lbs 1oz, 21 inches (hey did you get
10.14: 10lbs 3oz, 21.25
11.18: 11lbs 3oz, 21.5 inches hey shorty (50%, 60% and 75%)
1.18: 13lbs 4oz, 24.5 inches hey you're tall! (50%, 75%, 75%)

Pregnancy Timeline

1.7 : Positive Pregnancy Test (2 days late for period, approx. 16/17 DPO)
1.14: Beta reveals 12,943 HCG count (at approximately 23 DPO)
1.21: Perfect Measurements, Sweet Heartbeat One Baby Lives Here (59,594.2 HCG, 13.4 progesterone)
2.6: 8w4d perfect measurements again.... 180BPM.... sweet!! got a shytload of blood taken....
2.20: 10w4d, Colposcopy and Biopsy....saw baby through tummy scan. Mommy's big baby and a H/B of 173!!
2.27: Colopscopy is PERFECT!! my cervix is a go!! 199 days to go!
3.4: Baby beating so hard!! 12w2d end of first trimester O/B appointment!!
3.30: 16 weeks appointment, hearbeat of 157!
4.21: hb 151....everything is okay with the little LADY!!
4.27: BabyBell is measuring a whole week ahead, yep, our little lady is a big girl... heartbeat 151-158 =)
5.26: Glucose Testing & 24W1d appointment heartbeat of 153 and totally movin around for the doctor =) I <3 Babybell
6.23: 28w1d appointment, Babybell heartbeat in the 150-160 range, measurements at 29....
7.7: 30w1d appointment, Jayd'z sucha active little girl!! great measurements, great heartbeat, was told to start the initial process of finding a baby doctor and asked about childbirth classes
7.23: 32w3d appointment, heartrate in the 160's, measuring at 32 weeks (on target) but feel defeated because I'm so
8.6: 34w3d appointment, measuring at 35 weeks heartbeat is regulated in the 130's, StrepB testing and cervix check (nothing going on down here yet)!
8.17: 36w appointment, heartbeat in the 140's,StrepB negative, bloodwork completed this day(1cm dialated, 50% effaced)
8.24: growth scan and 37w appointment, 6pounds 14 ounces =), (1cm dialated, 70& effaced), high blood pressure, 120/90 apparently Jayda likes living in and was playin all during the exam h/b 154
8.31: HB perfecto! 1cm/80% (argh) passed on bloodwork and Strep Test
9.8: 2.5 cm/80%... HB is ughhh ok? 120/82..(uh-oh) ummm doctor mentions that next appointment, we'll talk induction, I see a C-section in the future....
9.14: DUE DATE!! 190 lbs, Oh my!!! Blood pressure is 140/90 sent to hospital and was inducted I was having contractions!! (who knew)
9.15: Hey I'm a Mom =)

Pregnancy Gains!!

Prepregnancy Weight: 154
Doctor's Approvided Gain: 25-35lbs (179-189 lbs)

6w2d: 154 lbs
8w2d: 149 lbs
10w2d: 144 lbs
12w: 144 lbs
16w: 144 lbs
17w4d: 143.2 lbs (before any meals)
20w: 149 lbs
24w: 159 lbs (No more junk food for
26w6d: 165 (uh-oh..... okay seriously this time no more junk
28w1d: 165 (SUCCESS IS MINE!! lol)
30w1d: 171 (Blame it on the rice and
32w3d: 175 (but I look like I gained 30
34w3d: 179 (much less then I expected, that's for
37w: 185 (hmmm....????)
38w: 184 (down!)
39w: 185 (up!)
40w: 190 (wtf)

Morning Sickness
6w3d - 7w6d: Moderate
8w - 14w5d: Severe
14w6d - 17w: Moderate
17w1d - present: Mild