Wants Versus Needs

Flashback to 1989

Me: "Can I have chocolate chip cookies"
Mommy: "Yes"
Me: "Can I have oatmeal cookies"
Mommy: "You can have either the oatmeal or chocolate chip ones"
Me: "But mommy I need them both!"
Mommy: "Sweetie.... these are wants not needs"

How true that statement was. I have spend 12 cycles crying to God about how much I need a baby, about how cruel he is for not giving me a baby. Countless tears, countless screams, countless wasted time. A baby, as beautiful as it is and how precious, is a gift from God. a gift that is a want. You need water, you need food, you need shelter to live, but if you get a BFN in the morning and your period starts, don't get mad at God because at the end of the day a baby is a gift, a wanted gift by many, an unwanted gift by some, but a want in the end.

I realized that today. I thought of it, and moved on. I need God to give me the gift I want, and I will wait for just that, if it takes a year, two years, ten, I will wait. I will allow God to point me in the right direction and stop wasting my time on tears and disappointments. I am fortunate, I am lucky, I have alot of other "wants" and basically all on my "needs".

So as I picked up my sanitary napkins and looked through the courses being offered at the community college, I felt fine. I looked at my husband and I smiled, I cooed at kids and didn't cry, I am starting to realize what I truly "need" in life.

Infertility, is a disease, it can cause depression if you let it, it can paralyze your marriage, if you let it. Infertility, trust me, is not a want or a need for many, but it is just another obstacle that will either break you or make you stronger, I'm striving for the latter. Some months ago if you'd ask me what's more important a baby or my marriage, I would look at you puzzled....I wanted both, I can't pick between EITHER.

But now if it came down to two wants, a baby and my marriage, I'm sure you know who would win.

My husband of course.