I'm Just Me

I have viewed my due date club all of 30 times, I have posted maybe once, in my heart, I do not identify with 97% of the women there, TTC was not an easy bottle of wine for me, it was hard, TTC almost ruined my marriage, it almost ruined my soul. I can not "LOL" with you when you say that your husband wants a boy soooo bad because you have 3 girls, I can not "AWWW" with you because you have a 3, 2 and 10 month old and are pregnant again. For your fertility, it's beautiful, I am happy you didn't experience half of what I did, however, I can not pretend to be someone I am not, and will never be. When you told your husband you were pregnant, he probably smiled and flexed his muscles....mine got on his knees and thanked God. I have captured my pregnancy interest in web browsing what is normal for this stage (imagine that: "What is normal and me in the same sentence) For I started TTC at 20 and finally at 23, I've accomplished that task. DH and I have agreed that one healthy baby in the room adjuncted to us is all we expect, need and deserve. So ladies, no I'm not anti-social, no I'm not bitter, I'm Just Me....

That's all I strive to be.....

The Cure To Morning Sickness

EAT!

Eat and eat like you never have before...lol....yesterday I figured it out that if I eat early in the morning and all day and I do mean ALL DAY my stomach doesn't have a chance to be empty (hence prompting morning sickness) and I feel fuckin great.... I'm not even that bloated anymore!! (eating = flat stomach, wtf knew) Now of course, sooner or later my body will figure out that I've found a cure and will shut that cure down immediately and my morning/afternoon/nighttime/ shit all weekend sickness will return but until then.... pizza anyone?

7 Weeks, 2 Days

I'm 7 week and 2 days, YAY! My little bloated belly makes me look four months pregnant, what I find funny about this is that in a few weeks my bloating will go away and the belly will be all baby, I have what, a day in between to be flat stomached? I haven't been able to eat more then one meal since 5 weeks and 5 days, I am surviving off of sandwiches from subway, cinnamins, popcorn, water, and milk, LOTS of milk. It's okay at the stage to be totally sick, as the baby doesn't need alot of food right now, and by the 2nd trimester the nausea and overwhelling desire to eat nothing will go away (so my doctor says). I am still going strong at work, I mean I have not vomitted yay, I just feel like crap 70% of the day. But it's worth it, so worth it. Next friday is our first appointment, as the six week appointment was an inital visit to the practice and confirmation of pregnancy, at this first appointment here we do a shit load of bloodwork, another ultrasound (yippie) and go over the details of what to expect.

Tomorrow is my husband's b-day and I'm thinking of calling out so that I can get some sleep and relax and taking him out for dinner.

Oh Clever

Hey you guys wanna hear something OUTRAGEOUS?

Me and DH were watching "The King of Queens" last night, it was the episode were Doug and Carrie met new friends and invited them for brunch with Kelly and Deacon. AT the brunch the new friends made an annoucement that they were going to try for babies, well my DH smiled and said:

"Here's my advice, be patient, and don't concentrate so much into it"

Perhaps the ultrasound picture that he won't let me have back lol gave him so much confidence to say that!!

Because ladies, I will always be infertile in my heart and no matter what, I will always know this:

INFERTILITY HURTS.

Sweet!!!

Recap of Yesterday's Ultrasound:

A Sac....A Yolk.... A Uterus Implantation

One Loud Heartbeat... (visable and audiable)

All and all, one healthy, happy baby in there!!

Two totally happy parents!!

You Tagged Me!!

Okay I was totally tagged by "Hoping for Hoberts", and guess what!! We just got a new PC and I have zero pictures on it.. BOOOO... however I'll give you a visual, had I been on "old dusty" my old computer that had ALL my pictures, DH's fishing trip, my childhood pictures (I was a hot teenager, shyt I'm still hott) and our wedding and vacation photos....I think numero four would have been our picture from DH's cousin's bar-be-que.... I wore a white and beige shirt and beige shorts and DH wore a white and beige striped shirt and olive slacks... I had my hair down with dangling gold earrings and get this, my smile was kinda cute! (I have these two smiles that I've perfected to make cool pictures) loser? yea... I know.... Thanks Miss Lady for tagging me (even though from reading her blog I know that you're head over heels in puke ..haha .... me too)

Melissa... I'm so pissed AF was late and no BFP grrrrrr......I am also intrigued by your blood results and when they were done, I have a few websites for you to check out.... email me!

Emmy...okay I am SOOOOO pissed off at your doctor how the fying fyck can they tell you you're young and all that b/s......you know...when my doctor said that shyt...I said you know what??? yea I'm young, and you should be even more concerned since infertility in a healthy twentysomething couples is RARE....you should be knocking down the door with testing us..... and since they didn't I switched doctors....I got NO TIME for other people trying to plan MY friggin life....

Now back to football with DH.... go Eagles!!! I'll probably regret posting that if they fyck up in the final 10 minutes...UGGHHHH!!!

Oh... Well Thank You

"Your blood work is positive you are 5-6 weeks pregnant" Congratulations!

Oh, well thank you.....

Hey Little Baby, You're Doing An Awesome Job So Far...Keep It Up!!

Thanks!!

I read about everyone else's "fycked up close relative experience" to show me that hey, fertile don't understand. Thank you! But my family problems are pretty deep, I think this was just a reminder from God to be wery of people who made your childhood HELL and to not allow your child to have the same upbringing.... thanks God.... his (stepfather) nasty comments sting still but I'm getting better...with the love and kisses of DH I am getting threw this fine.

Guess what DH said to me yesterday?

"You are going to be a wonderful teacher" (awwwww)
Then he asked me about what grade I want to teach and the school program, I have a wonderful husband guys!!!

I am scared frighten and anixous over our appointment on the 21st, I really want this to be a smooth pregnancy, I welcome morning sickness and I can't wait for the pain of labor... I can't wait, I never imagined that being pregnant would be more stressful than trying to get pregnant... yikes...

I watched my husband figure out or bills tonight, we're broke...lol...thank god we're able to get the tax credit loan thing to help with me being out of work September - December. I am going to need to go back to work in January, and possibly do the teaching certification over 2-3 years, I need to see how this pregnancy goes before I commit to going to school in September instead of January (which I think is a better idea), a college I once went to has a evening/weekend trimester thing, so if I end up doing student teaching in January 2011/ September 2011, it will be an easier blow to our paycheck/house hold, plus the school will take a 2 year old for childcare, I do intend to find a job in the school system and start after the baby is born to at least get my foot wet... God, please let me know if this is okay, if not I will alert my plans to your approval, just please watch over my pregnancy.

Guys if you haven't noticed I am TOTALLY certain God blessed up with a baby, I don't want to do ANYTHING that will make him upset....

Now here's the crazy lady in me, I was googling can you get pregnant from public bathroom toliet paper...lmao I know, I just can't believe that this is real and that it FINALLY happened.... of course I haven't used "sperm filled" toilet paper ANYWHERE, hell I rarely even use anyone else's bathroom...I'm just a crazy preggo lady who's in shock.... total shock

Fycked Up People...

How anyone could tell their stepdaughter (who's dealt with fertility issues) the following:

"Ya'll crying over a baby that ain't going to be here in 9 months"
"Ain't nothing wrong with you, nobody in there, you aren't having a baby"

They need a one way ticket to hell....

Needless to say my Stepfather will have nothing to do with this pregnancy, or any additional pregnancy or definitely not my child.

My DH is disguised... COMPLETELY... I am not surprised, my stepfather was NEVER a good man.

I tried to call a truce in our relationship, but guess what he's a fucked up person.

Pray that he gets better, I will.

Awww Better....

You can post comments on my blog finally....

Okay guys,

I decided to go to my Al Mater (IDK, how is it spelt again) for my teaching certification. I mean honestly, in September there will be alot of changes to get used to, diapers, bottles, less income you know ALOT... I know what to basically expect at the college I graduated from, they offer a little bit more flexiblity hours wise, so I can take late morning classes in case the baby is up all night.... I should be done with classes by December 2010 (HOPEFUL), or May 2011 if DH wants me to work an extra semster before student teaching (unpaid student teaching), in any event I should be teaching by September 2011 (hopeful again) or 2012, the baby will be either 2 (ideal) or close to 3 and I will get to spend even more time with them. I'm not sure what I will do work wise in January 2010, I know very much that we have bills, but I really want to spend as much time with the baby as possible, so I will probably work part-time or stay home, I want to enjoy my baby. I mean, we are lucky to get a positive we will be HELLA lucky to have a baby.

Now The Real "Fun" Starts...

It took us a year to concieve, a whole year. I am happy to be pregnant, okay I am THRILLED, now here's the scary part, the REALLY scary part.... 1 in 5 will miscarry, I don't wanna miscarry, I want my baby, I need to be in that 80%..... Today I am 4 weeks and 4 days, I took my prenatal, I've swallowed my water, I ate my healthy lunch....oh little baby, we've waited for you for soooo long please, please tell me you're here to stay...In 13 days at 6 weeks and 2 days, I get my "initial" OB/GYN appointment, you know, bloodwork, a pregnancy pack and blah blah blah....a few weeks after I get my ultrasound.....my DH is excited but so damn scared.... this is our little blessing...soooo please.... grow baby, please grow.....

And YOU thought the 2WW was hell huh??

Wow....

"Okay great we'll see you on the 21st"

I'm pregnant.... I am..... I POAS today again, actually after peeing twice this morning I drank a whole lot of water and then peed, still a BIG FAT POSITIVE...

Wow..... I'm pregnant..... we're expecting.... Wow

Shh....

AF is 3 days late ..... she's never been this late.... I will test soon and perhaps tear up if/when I see a BFN.....

"sigh"

I Did It!

Admissions Rep: So what do you wanna do with this degree?
Me: I want to go back to Kean for my postbachelorette's in teaching
Admissions Rep: Cool, what course do you wanna register for
Me: General Psychology? The online course...
God... thanks for the plan!

I guess I can credit infertility to a few things in my life today, my beautiful home, my loving husband, my strong family bonds, the new plan I believe God has in store for me.So yeah the downside of infertility is not having a baby, but can you see all that's given me? imagine when we do get that baby.... they will be so much more loved, so much more wanted, so much more deserved

Wants Versus Needs

Flashback to 1989

Me: "Can I have chocolate chip cookies"
Mommy: "Yes"
Me: "Can I have oatmeal cookies"
Mommy: "You can have either the oatmeal or chocolate chip ones"
Me: "But mommy I need them both!"
Mommy: "Sweetie.... these are wants not needs"

How true that statement was. I have spend 12 cycles crying to God about how much I need a baby, about how cruel he is for not giving me a baby. Countless tears, countless screams, countless wasted time. A baby, as beautiful as it is and how precious, is a gift from God. a gift that is a want. You need water, you need food, you need shelter to live, but if you get a BFN in the morning and your period starts, don't get mad at God because at the end of the day a baby is a gift, a wanted gift by many, an unwanted gift by some, but a want in the end.

I realized that today. I thought of it, and moved on. I need God to give me the gift I want, and I will wait for just that, if it takes a year, two years, ten, I will wait. I will allow God to point me in the right direction and stop wasting my time on tears and disappointments. I am fortunate, I am lucky, I have alot of other "wants" and basically all on my "needs".

So as I picked up my sanitary napkins and looked through the courses being offered at the community college, I felt fine. I looked at my husband and I smiled, I cooed at kids and didn't cry, I am starting to realize what I truly "need" in life.

Infertility, is a disease, it can cause depression if you let it, it can paralyze your marriage, if you let it. Infertility, trust me, is not a want or a need for many, but it is just another obstacle that will either break you or make you stronger, I'm striving for the latter. Some months ago if you'd ask me what's more important a baby or my marriage, I would look at you puzzled....I wanted both, I can't pick between EITHER.

But now if it came down to two wants, a baby and my marriage, I'm sure you know who would win.

My husband of course.

Yeah... Whatever

I make the real money, I have the common sense, I have to deal with your infertility phobias...

Don't ask me to clean shyt, unless you're going to do a semen analysis....

This house can burn to the ground and I wouldn't care..... as long as my Fertility Monitor and OPKs survived the fire.

- Things I said in my mind -

In Eight Years...

I will walk to the park for lunch, wearing a beautiful two piece gray skirt suit with my long brown hair pulled back in a bun. I'll have a yummy tuna salad sandwich and peaches to eat. There's three park benches, a couple sits at number one, four teenage boys sit at number two, and two women sit at number three; I will sit by two women.

As I look out to the playground area, I will see a few children playing. A redhead with the cutest pink pantsuit immediately catches my eye. She is sitting on the slide alone, watching to other children play, she looks like an outsider who so desperately wants to be in the inside"Awww soooo adorable"I say outloud, his mother who sits on my left replies "Thank you, she's so shy". A blonde baby boy comes to her like her knight in shining armor. To which the mother on the right says, "That's my little boy, always the charmer".

Us three start chatting for what seems like forever, I find out that they live in the next town from me, they talk about how hard it is to make friends with work and all, to which I agree to, by now I am a successful attorney working for the state under the district attorney. We make plans to see a movie when we're free, I am totally excited to have found these awesome ladies, until the dreeded question comes in.When they ask me where's my child.

Me: "I don't have any...."
Left Mother: "Oh"
Right Mother: "Do you want kids?"
Me: "I did .....I mean..... we can't"
(A confused look takes place on both mothers)
Me:"Well it was nice, I have to go back to work"

I cry silently all the way to the office......