Oh Great, Nothing Is Wrong...Again

I think i'm a fucking idiot, now that I think of it, I go to the doctor and hope something is a matter... I mean you shoulda saw the ultrasound lady's face when she told me everything looked perfect, fuck, excellent? I looked so disappointed....

On one hand I should be happy that I am a perfectly healthy woman with a reproductive tract that um "works", I should also be happy that my past RE was right, and all the follices I make, umm hmm, without medicine, is AMAZING.... yeah, that's me the friggin over damn achiever...

Now I have to come to the realization that my DH is probably gonna be asked for a semen sample, with of course, you all know he ain't ready to do....

Oh Man!1

The Wind Blows...

DH's uncomfortable look signaled what I already thought, he's having groin pain again, "Oh no, my life is getting worst", I thought to myself, though my life is not bad at all. I have a good paying job, a good education, a wonderful dh and family, the ability to go to law school in 2010, and a good idea of what I want future wise. Yet, I can't stop asking this question......

Me: "Can I have a baby for christmas next year"
DH: "Yes"
Me: "Put them under the tree, don't wrap it"
Me: "Can I have a baby now"
DH: "Yes"

How?

A Little Chat...

DH: "Do they have kids"
Me: "No...."
DH: "How old are they"
Me: "I think she's 37 and he's 34, something like that"
DH: "Complications..."
Me: "Yeah they suck huh"
DH: "Sure do"

Sigh..... where's our baby?

IUI in Question

After practicing this line over and over again in my head the entire day, a few weeks ago I stumbled into the kitchen, and said, “Babe you wanna do a IUI a year from now in December 2009”, my optimistic yet worried husband said, sure let’s do it, but I thought it was $25,000 (example 1 that he listens when I talk) “No” I said back, “IUI is covered under your insurance, but IVF which can cost up to $25,000 is not covered.” We can save for the IVF all next year if the IUI’s don’t work”. That night DH was totally happy and positive, but by that morning there was no words on what was spoken. Two weeks later when I had a bladder infection, my new OB/GYN asked about my TTC efforts, amazingly he ordered bloodwork, an ultrasound and a S/A for DH. When I told DH about this all in an email he did not respond, I then wrote him again and said you know what it’s okay, we just bought a house and we can wait. To which he responded with “I love you”.

Now Christmas Eve, as Grandpa touched my empty stomach and asked if there’s a baby there yet, to my reply of no, probably never….DH looked concerned and said to me “I thought we agreed to wait a year, Next December”…..

Meeting Me Again....

I started blogging in July of 2008, that was the start of cycle 7 it is also the start of our infertility testing, blogging helped me with all the questions, confusion and anger. I completed a set of blood work, genetic testing, ultrasound, cultures and a HSG, only to be told I had Mycoplasma. My husband, completed the blood work, but has yet to do a semen analysis, that’s a story in itself. We were both treated for the Mycoplasma, and we thought we’d be pregnant soon after, well; it doesn’t work that way, at least for us.

The inability to have a child has really hardened me in a horrible way. I noticed myself changing from one topic to the next, each day was a new plan, a new desire, but it wasn’t good enough. In my heart I was blaming my husband for this all, even though this is our problem, I didn’t want it to be mines anymore. I was so stuck, If I wasn’t blogging, I was depressed, if I wasn’t depressed, I was pretending I was happy. The dream of becoming a mother put my entire life in a standstill. Bding was routine, checking my mucus was the highlight of my day, I couldn’t get straight hours of sleep because I was so amused to temp. There were no future plans, I couldn’t pick out vacations, I could never think about plans for our second bedroom, if it wasn’t a nursery I didn’t care, damn, I couldn’t even buy new clothing, and everything was set on my belief that I’d be pregnant at a certain time.

Now at cycle 12, I’ve had to take a step back and get to know myself, you know the person I was before I became statistically screwed. Because of this, I’ve decided to just take it all one step at a time, I am continuing on with my education and professional studies, and working on my relationship with DH and God, this is my life, this is my story.

All About Me

I realized a few days ago that Employment Law is my career, but infertility, that's my passion. Right now i'm working on my career.....

I've goggled "how to improve you UGPA for law school" ten million times, I wanted at least a 3.4 GPA going into applying for law school, currently I have a 3.2, 3 or 4 undergraduate classes more would give me the 3.4 I wanted, I also need to improve upon my writing skills and logical thinking for the LSAT (a 160 is my goal), so the classes will be truly worth it.

I guess, If I can pay down my looming credit card debt that I accumulated when life was though of as "when" and not "if". I can take the LSAT in September/December 2009, and apply to start law school in 2010.

And just when you think you have everything figured out...

You get a bill for $322.00 due January 22th..... for the sewer you bypassed.....